


in between the flashes it was sad, it was tragic

by eastendbarricade



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Ben Mitchell Week 2020, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:20:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27725396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eastendbarricade/pseuds/eastendbarricade
Summary: The photo at the top of the stack shows three children grinning at the camera. In the middle sits a toddler version of Ben himself dressed in a set of blue dungarees, whilst either side of him, a slightly older Peter and Lucy, and all three have chocolate smeared across their faces. There is part of him that can’t help but get introspective about where those three children went – one the other side of the world, one six feet in the ground, and the boy sat in the middle, who has caused more pain than happiness and is still in the spot where all three began.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	in between the flashes it was sad, it was tragic

**Author's Note:**

> This is written for day 4 of Ben Mitchell Week 2020: “I haven’t looked at these pictures in years.”
> 
> I'll be honest, this was supposed to be happy, and yet somehow, it ended up focusing on some dark subjects, so apologies for that, I guess.
> 
> The title comes from "Pictures" by Lady A. 
> 
> And this takes place around October/early November 2019. 
> 
> The abuse suffered by Ben at the hands of Stella plays a part within this fic, though it focuses more on the psychological than the physical - but if that is something that you don't feel comfortable reading or could find triggering, please don't feel like you have to read.

Ben’s not completely certain that he isn’t going to regret leaving Callum downstairs with his mum and Lola whilst he told Lexi the latest instalment of her bedtime story, not if the sound of giggling is anything to go by as he makes his way back down to the living room. Poking his head around the bottom of the stairs, he sees the two ladies sat on the sofa, Callum in the arm chair, and a box sat on the coffee table between them. 

“God he was such a cute child,” Kathy states wistfully. 

“What went wrong, eh?” quips Lola, sending chuckles around the three occupants of the room. 

Callum’s ears turn a slight shade of pink as he quietly but sincerely states, “he’s still cute.”

Callum's reaction at least clues Ben into knowing that they are talking about him, so he can't help but call out. “And that is why you are my favourite, babe”, as he decides to make his presence known to those in the room. 

Perching himself on the arm of Callum’s chair, he can’t stop himself from gently smiling at the gorgeous man beside him. Callum’s face, still tinged a rosy shade, lights up in response, and Ben can’t quite believe that this is his life now, after months of secretly longing for this man – no matter how much he tried to convince himself that his desire for Callum was purely physical. 

Turning back to the women occupying the sofa, Ben realises that the box contains piles of old photographs and photo albums. Turning to his mum and sighing dramatically, he can’t help himself from questioning, “did you seriously decide to get my baby photos out now that I’ve bought a man home?”. 

“Yes,” Kathy dryly states, unable to stop herself from chuckling as Ben shakes his head at her.

Lola can’t help turning around one of the photos in her hands, featuring a Ben of no older than five, attempting to walk in a pair of Kathy’s heels. She can’t help but say, “I have to wonder whether it’s me or you that Lexi gets it from sometimes.”

It sends more laughs around the room, and Ben can’t help but glance at Callum, and is amazed at the soft eyes and genuine mirth upon the taller man’s face. The sudden rush of wanting to be enveloped in his arms runs through Ben’s body, so he decides to hurry the ladies up so they can begin a quiet night in. 

“Right that’s enough you two. Mum, don’t you have to get to the Albert. And Lo, I know that you were due to meet Jay ten minutes ago, so you might want to get a move on.”

It takes a couple of minutes, but eventually the boys find themselves alone. Ben is unable to stop himself sliding into Callum’s lap, his hand snaking around Callum’s neck as his fingers start to stroke through his hair, whilst Callum’s arms comes around his waist tightly.

“Hi,” Callum smiles softly at him, and Ben finds himself leaning forward to kiss the corner of his mouth, before smiling back at him. “Hi yourself.”

For a couple of weeks now, Ben has found himself inextricably… happy. It is a feeling he still isn’t quite used to, a feeling he knows is largely down to the man whose eyes he is looking into deeply. He leans his forehead against Callum’s, raising his left arm up to hold his face close to his, and lets his eyes fall shut for several seconds as he just breathes him, and the moment, in. And whilst he can feel his heart racing with the feelings that are quickly developing for this beautiful man, Ben can’t help but enjoy the peacefulness of the moment, especially given the contrast to the chaos that is usually his life.

After several moments, Callum pulls away, though he keeps his arms around Ben’s waist, keeping him in place, before he tells him, “you were a cute kid”.

Ben shakes his head, before turning slightly towards the pile of photos beside the box, ones he assumes his mum and Lola had already gone through. 

“You probably gave my mum all the encouragement she didn’t need to get these out, didn’t ya?”, Ben says, retrieving the photos before leaning back, settling himself comfortably at an angle that allows him to enjoy all of Callum’s warmth as well as his face. 

“God, I haven’t looked at these pictures in years,” he murmurs, partly to himself, but not attempting to hide the words, or the emotions that spread across his face as he looks through them from Callum – which he counts as an achievement in itself.

The photo at the top of the stack shows three children grinning at the camera. In the middle sits a toddler version of Ben himself dressed in a set of blue dungarees, whilst either side of him, a slightly older Peter and Lucy, and all three have chocolate smeared across their faces. There is part of him that can’t help but get introspective about where those three children went – one the other side of the world, one six feet in the ground, and the boy sat in the middle, who has caused more pain than happiness and is still in the spot where all three began. 

“I doubt anyone could of seen what would of happened to those three kids back then” Ben says quietly, moving the photo to the back of the pile. The next image causes him to tense as memories wash over him, the pain experienced by his eleven-year-old self evident in the eyes looking back at him, even if the smile on his face attempted to hide it as he stood next to an older Peter. 

Ben glances up at Callum, seeing the curiosity sparking in the older man’s blue eyes, prompting Ben to try to find the resolve to tell him the story behind the photograph. Or rather, tell the story behind his reaction to the photograph. There is a part of him begging him to run, the flight response kicking in, to not give Callum another piece of himself, despite the fact that he has inadvertently been handing him the broken shards to hold onto since the day he shook his hand over the bar at the Vic. 

However, it’s the gentle stroke of Callum’s fingers just above his knee that gives him the courage to tell the story. 

“The trip this was taken on, we were in a car accident. Me, Peter, Dad and Ian.” Feeling tears welling up in his eyes, Ben looks up towards the ceiling, blinking them away before he takes a deep breath to continue. “When we got back, my dad’s girlfriend…Stella, she told me the crash was my fault. I believed it was all down to me…”

He gasps, however, when he feels Callum take hold of one of his hands, and he can’t stop himself from looking at him, desperately hoping that he doesn’t see pity. Instead, he finds a look of sympathy, a look of someone who understands some of the pain that he experienced, but also the small spark of anger in Callum’s eyes. And not anger towards him. Anger for him. It shocks Ben, and at the same time doesn’t, the knowledge that they are intertwining their lives and histories at a rapid rate. But it still takes Ben by surprise when Callum breaks the silence of the room with a whispered voice. 

“You don’t have to, Ben. Not for me. I’ve heard… some of it. You don’t need to go back there for me.”

Whilst there is a part of Ben that is relieved that he doesn’t have to go into details with Callum, another part is bitter that the opportunity to tell him himself has been taken away from him, and he can’t stop that bitterness from tinging his words when he says, “well, it’s not like it isn’t common knowledge on this damn square.”

He finds himself turning away from Callum, desperate to stop himself returning to his thoughts around that time in his life. Ben practically throws the photographs back on the table, but the stack is uneven and several end up scattered across the floor. He tries to get up, but Callum’s arms around his waist stop him from getting very far, and he finds he doesn’t have the energy to fight against him, not when all he wants is for those arms to hold him close whilst he falls apart. But he’s still Ben Mitchell, so he makes an attempt to slump begrudgingly in his original position on Callum’s lap, face turned down to look at where one of Callum’s hands has resettled against his leg. 

After several moments, Callum calls his name and Ben’s longing for him wins out over his stubbornness, and he finds himself falling into the oceans looking back at him. 

Taking a deep breath and refusing to look away, Callum states calmly, “You were just a child, and it wasn’t your fault.”

“You don’t know that. Not like you were there,” Ben spits out, but it seems Callum recognises it as the defensive mechanism that it is, as he simply continues. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Callum repeats, the determination evident in his tone of voice. “You might have scars, and bruises. Ones that the world can’t see at first glance. Or any glance at all unless you let them in. But you are strong Ben, you’re a fighter, and you can tell me all about it when you are ready, or you never have to tell me at all. But none of it was your fault.”

Ben blinks several times, trying to keep the tears at bay and make himself believe this man whose arms are clasped around his waist. This man, with his gorgeous face and his stunning blue eyes and his heart of pure gold, sincerity oozing through every pore of his body, who has been to hell and back multiple times himself. Who despite everything, is wants to take a chance at standing by his side in the cruel world that Ben occupies, and is still going to confidently say that these moments from Ben’s past were not down to him, were not his fault. It takes Ben’s breath away sometimes, what Callum does to him.

Choked up, and unable to look at Callum anymore for fear he might break, Ben hides his face in the crook of Callum’s neck, taking in a deep breath and inhaling the musk that is Callum after a long day. Knowing that bit by bit, he is falling ever deeper for him. 

As Callum’s hands begin to thread through his hair, he knows that one day he will reveal every piece of his story to him. Some of those pieces may be soft and some may be brittle, whilst others may be sharp and jagged, but he has a feeling that Callum will do nothing but handle them with care and keep them safe, just as Ben wants to do with the pieces of Callum’s life that get handed to him. 

And in the meantime, he has found a person who will guard and keep him safe whilst he puts those pieces back together himself.

**Author's Note:**

> hope that you enjoyed these random selection of words that i have put together.  
> i'm songforabarricade over on tumblr, if you fancy popping by and letting me know what you thought <3


End file.
